You know what to say to make me feel a whole lot better =)

with loving, comes fearing

I know that relationships are unpredictable. We can make promises to always be together, but I'm sure those who have been through relationships know well, how things can change and maybe destroy the relationship altogether. Hence, I always tell myself to take things as they come, treasure my time with him, and not take him for granted. But that doesn't mean I don't fear losing not just my boyfriend, but my very good friend as well.

Right now we're still in our honeymoon period. Things are easy for us, because we have similar lifestyles and interests, we have many mutual friends, and it's very easy for us to see each other often. This summer spent with him has been nothing less than awesome. I especially loved our time in New York, where seeing him just before I slept and when I woke up was so beautiful. I'm afraid that in time to come, our perspectives on life may change, especially when I, or we go out to work. Even without thinking so far ahead, there are other issues like other religious differences, which I think is a potentially huge one in my life. And when the school term starts, I foresee that I'll be very busy with academics, dance, work, and job applications, and I think this is gonna be a source of disagreements for us.

So I know that I may not be his last girlfriend, and this possibility is very real. Occasionally, it leaves me terribly frightened when I think about these things because he's been such a big part of my life and I can't imagine it without him. But I'll continue to love without regrets.

I'm sure I'll live through any heartbreak, but I really, rather not go through one.

If there's one thing that the crews at The Big Groove showed us, is that nothing is impossible. Many moves or stunts I thought wasn't humanely possible, they pulled it off perfectly.

I guess we're inspired now, to be better dancers. But I wonder how long this motivation will last. I notice that, for me, and maybe some Emixers, inspiration and motivation come in spurts. It takes a mind-blowing performance for us to be awestruck, and then feel encouraged to be better dancers. But somehow after a while, we forget or lose this drive, and end up stagnating, until we come across another dance event or workshop to spur us on again. Maybe it's because we get distracted and preoccupied with other stuff along the way.

Less the 1 week to New York, and I wonder why I feel like I still have a thousand things left to do.

what I've been up to

Yes I've been missing in action for a while. Not that I've been terribly busy, but somehow for the past several weeks I've filled my time doing other things rather than writing.

For the past 2 months, I've been occupied with:
- work
- dance
- Shiwei :)
- NYC planning

and other random stuff. Hmm I don't know how 2 months flew by me just like that.

Work has been fun most of the time. Having been in this industry for a while, I've realized that the girls are not as mean or bitchy as people think. Some may be quite ah lian, but everyone I've met so far were nice. Just don't back stab or bitch about people and nothing will happen to you.

Dance. I had my very own sharing session a couple of weeks back, and it's nice to get the chance to finally step up. Had a series of fulfilling workshops by local choreographers, followed by the dance battle a week later. I don't care what people say, I still think that event was stupid and pointless. Shall not harp more about it, but I had a really bad day that day. We're preparing for NY (which is less than 2 weeks away), Vivace and Convoc now. I've come to not expect much for our NY performance, but rather learn and enjoy everything else instead. My choreography is one of those that will be used for Vivace, and it's great to be taking ownership of my creation! :)

Shiwei and I will celebrate our 4th month today! Pretty fast huh! He's away on a cruise now, so we'll go out after he comes back.

School's starting soon, and I have mixed feelings about it. I told myself that I'm gonna play hard this summer, and when school starts, I'm gonna work hard. I'm looking forward to a new semester of dance and learning new things, but I know I have to apply for jobs, which I'm so apprehensive about. Still haven't figured out what I want, other than the fact the I like to meet and interact with people. Will probably have to go for a bank first by default, but gosh, how am I suppose to work and fight for a job when I don't even know what I'll love?? How did the people in my spot make career decisions?

Is there a term for this? Quarter-life crisis?

happy 2nd month! ♥

I would love a room like that

♥

We're together.

I'm a happy girl today.

:)

:)

Every production is different

And so was Intersection. While we weren’t as neat or technically superb like the dancers from NRA, we were special. We made things out of music that one wouldn’t label as “hip hop”, and I think we did a pretty good job at it.

The NLB drama centre is a good place to dance at – nice foyer, showers in our dressing rooms, and well done stage lightings. Performance wise, I’m glad that the flow of items, the transitions and quick changes went smoothly. My first 3 items were the most demanding parts for me, because I had quick changes in between items, and quick change was the killer, not the dance itself, because although I was tired, I couldn’t just stand at a corner and catch my breath, but I had to stay focused and rush to change my costumes. Unlike dancing, there was no allowance for mistakes as that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to reach my next item on time, and that would leave me mentally shaken too. The most nerve-wrecking one was my 14-second quick change (I never had such a fast change before) from Country Boy to Shiwei’s item, and I’m glad my 3 dressers and I pulled it off. =)

Of course, I’m happy that Shiwei’s item went well too. All the couples finally executed their steps together correctly. We only had freaking 7 trainings for his item, and it was no doubt taxing, but hey, we did it! It was my most grueling item as dancing alongside him meant that I still had to keep up my strength and stamina in order to match up to him, despite having hardly anytime to recover from my previous items.

I don’t know if I’m happy & relieved or sad that this is over. Intersection was my bumpiest journey yet – while I had my pleasant, memorable moments, this period of time was also fraught with stress, angst, & fatigue. Although I'm glad that this is finally over, it does feel empty now that I’m not going to see and dance with the Emixers tonight. I don’t know how I managed to survive on an average of 5 hours of sleep each night for the past few weeks and go to work and dance training the next day, but I wouldn’t mind doing this just for a little longer.

just dance, gonna be okay

So today is our first bump-in day, can’t believe Intersection is almost here. Things are finally falling into place, Intersection is going to be slightly unconventional, and I hope the audience will come to appreciate it. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed every moment of this journey – I’ve had my unhappy moments – but it doesn’t matter anymore, just gonna dance my heart out on Wednesday. I’ve been seeing the Emixers everyday for the past several weeks, I’m definitely gonna miss that.

Shiwei’s item is finally starting to take shape too. =) We’re left we working on the couples’ chemistry and nailing my CRAZY quick change (<15 seconds). I never had to do such a fast quick change before, omg. The item isn’t one with explosive energy unlike those you see in typical hip hop pieces, but I hope the audience will enjoy it nevertheless.

Gonna leave office soon. Couldn’t focus at work the whole morning, although I didn’t have much work to do anyway, because all I really want to do now is to be at the NLB Drama Centre.

Bailamos 2010 is over. In the last few weeks I couldn’t wait to get it over and done with because I found it so time consuming – with trainings thrice a week just for one item – and I wanted to focus on Intersection instead. Not forgetting the frustration and fear whenever I practiced the stunts with Jerry. But Bailamos was good. Jerry and I have great chemistry and our partner work was smooth and we nailed all our stunts nicely. :) It was my best Bailamos to date, because although this item was challenging, we managed to put up a decent show and made a good closing item out of it. The venue and programme flow was much better this time round. Also, there’s nothing more heartwarming than having the Emixers come down to support us despite being pressed for time for preparing for Intersection, especially Shiwei, who was the first in the queue! Haha. But I’m a little wistful because that might be my last time dancing in the same item as the year 4s.

Time to focus on Intersection now. It's going to be quite different from the other typical hip hop dance concerts. While it’s exciting to see things falling into place, this production has not been without it’s own ups and downs. A while back, something about this production made me upset. It’s been more or less rectified now, and I guess I must really care that much for him to be willing give up something that I really liked. That aside, getting to meet him everyday (be it at trainings or after trainings) has been a major reason why I look forward to after-work hours. I think it’s obvious now, how much I adore him. :)

I’m 2 weeks into my internship and it’s so tiring to juggle work and intensive dance trainings like that. If anyone wonders why the hell we put ourselves through this, well, it just gotta be our passion that keeps us going.

the stars must be your light tonight

Since our first date, I've begun to miss him whenever we don’t see each other. I look forward to dance trainings not only because I get to see the dancers, but also because I get to see him. I look forward to his own trainings in particular, because we get to do our partner work together, and I'm secretly happy whenever I look into his eyes when we dance our partner work.

Being with him is easy and comfortable. Being myself around him is effortless, because we have already been friends for a while, and he has seen me in my happy, insane, unglam, sad, bimbotic, bitchy, act-slutty, post-training-sweaty-and-haggard-looking moments. There isn’t a need to put up a front. Knowing this has made it all the more easier for falling fall him.

I’m deeply smitten with him. There are many pleasant emotions that come with say, performing at major concerts, doing well for my 'A' Levels, or having a really great time with my good friends. But there's nothing quite like the feeling of being in love. It is exhilarating and scary at the same time. Exhilarating because it brings me to highs that I’ve not experienced in a long while. It makes me unknowingly smile to myself or skip a step or two when I walk. It makes me feel light-headed and I have no control over that. Scary because it takes a hell lot of courage to let my guard down like that and be vulnerable to getting hurt. I've always thought that it's important to protect myself, but here I am, letting someone so deep into my world. But I believe that he’s a good person.

I've been staying away from relationships for a long time, maybe it's about time to give one a shot again. :)

I should be preparing for my interview now, but let me digress for a while.

It's amazing how things can happen so unexpectedly.

Shiwei and I, we first met when he came to Emix, but we only got to know each other better when I worked with him in his item for Raw. I must admit that at times I felt physically attracted to him, because of the close proximity of the physical contact between us when we danced, and also because he was very charismatic. But I always dismissed it and never let that attraction developed into anything more because he was attached.

Wednesday, 30th December, the Emixers went to club at Butter Factory. Shiwei got high and tipsy, and did and said things to me, that were well, out of the ordinary. After we got home, he apologized for it in an sms and revealed that he liked me, but had always kept it to himself as has was attached. But he thought it was about time he made his feelings toward me known as he had decided to go separate ways from his girlfriend. It took me by surprise, as I thought that after that night, we would just tell each other to forget whatever had happened and be normal. I knew he always doted on me, and he said nice things, but it never occurred to me that he could be interested in me, simply because he was attached, and his girlfriend was very a different person from me.

I've always doted on Shiwei a lot, because he was my partner. Although I did not think of him or miss him when I did not see him, looking back, I think unknowingly I might have been harbouring something for him all along. That night, the attraction I felt towards him was pretty intense (which is why I didn't resist when he held me), and I experienced feelings that I haven't had in a long time. That night at Butter Factory changed many things - it removed the barriers that had held us back from showing our emotions, and it revealed to me emotions that I didn't know exist. I must say the turn of events was sudden, even as I write this, I feel a little breathless when I think about what has happened in the past few days, especially how we have gone from friends to more than friends in the span of a mere few hours.

We went out alone today, and I enjoyed myself with him. Only a few people know how he feels, but they do not know what's going on at my side. Until he sort things out with his girlfriend, I'm keeping quiet about many things, as I do not want to complicate matters, and neither can I be very sure about what's in it for us until he makes a clean break with her. I told him to take time to let things settle down before we take our friendship a step further. I want to take things slow too, for there are many things I want to know about him.

For now, we're getting along well. Here's to the next few weeks ahead.