I need some sun.
This week is good for suntanning but I have to be at Ngee Ann Poly for NRA.

By the way, NRA is so amazing.
Watched their full dress rehearsal last night.
I thought they were good at hip hop only, but I was wrong.
They did emotional pieces like lyrical jazz items based on themes of love and the death of a loved one.
My, it was so good I cried.

Back to the sun, I hope next week will be as bright.
I need to shop too.
Haven't shopped properly since the summer break, omg.
Then again, why am I surprised that I'm not so free after all.

they call this reality

Dear blog,

I feel so sad.

Sometimes I wish I can turn back time to 3 years ago. Then I would not have gotten into a relationship, would not have been haunted by all that's happened. Maybe I would have choosen a different course, maybe I would have liked it better. Maybe I would have choosen the path less taken and worked and danced more instead of going to university. I'm not unhappy with my life, but I hold regrets and I didn't used to have regrets.

I wonder if I'll eventually do something I truly enjoy for life. I wonder if the sacrificies I've made and the hard work were worth it. I wonder what I'll end up doing next time, I can't see where I'm heading and I'm scared. Can someone hold my hand? I wonder if my family will be as tight as it used to be. Or I wonder when the next family conflict will be. I'm getting tired of being strong.

I wish I could care less for the people around me. Then I would be less sad, less scared, less worried for them. So many people come and go anyway, why should I put in that much effort into relationships? I wish I can take life easier and be more carefree. I wish I can be less critical of myself. I wonder if being in this university has made me more "materialistic" and rid my ability to delight in things other than grade A's.

I miss church, I miss the people there. I really need God, I need answers. I used to be told, that I wasn't meant to worry or toil like that, that I was meant for greater things, that the Promised Land was mine. I wonder if all these are still applicable now. But even some things aren't meant to be blogged about.


Yours truly,
Fel.

Mama no Quiere Que Yo Juegue a La Pelota

Admist all the impending deadlines and the stress that comes with it, I'm grateful for this bunch of people (including Najiah and Nick Wee) who have made my last several weeks pleasant and memorable.

We did well at the Singapore International Salsa Festival and Singapore International Ballroom Dancing Championships, tomorrow evening, it'll culminate at Una Noche Solamente.

After training so intensively together, it's suddenly over and I'm at a loss. I don't know what's going to happen after that. Most of the seniors are going on overseas exchange or graduating, and I wonder what it'll be like for the current batch of Year 2s to take charge. We've looked up to the seniors and often sought advice from them, and now it's our turn to lead the new batch of dancers, I'm not sure if we're ready for that.

But that's beside the point. Over the weeks, we battled fatigue, injuries, and time constraints to tackle our most difficult Salsa choreography, and with the hilarious nonsense, lunches, dinners and study sessions together, we've grown pretty close, and I don't want to see any of them leave. =( I've grown an emotional attachment to the team, I think that's what happens when we go through challenges together. It just different when there's no Kelly to teach the girls to be sexy and do their styling properly, nor any Chin Ta / Joshua / Terry / Douglas to be benchmarks of retardness and man-liness for the guys to follow.

Steph's birthday dinner last night was especially nice. The bunch of us just chilled out at her place despite the fact that it was Week 11. And I thought of all these. There's still a lot of emotions that are indescribable. The kind of indescribable that resides in you when you know the people you've spent so much time with and had a blast with are going to be away.

I hope that months down the road, we can still hang out and crack retarded jokes together. I hope we will be able to be comfortable around each other like how we are now. Because such moments will inevitably fade into the untouchable abyss of our memories, and where I wasn't able to do so with the TJ dancers, I wish I will be able to continue re-creating moments with Caderas Latinas. It's knowing that these aren't always within my control that makes me sad.

Welcome to the Toon Town Party

Something that could perk you up before you start on CAT homework.

This economic turmoil should be another motivation for me to study hard (and work hard in future of course), so that I get a good job and make good out of it, and hopefully, I wouldn't be one of those who worry about being retrenched in times like these. I don't know if my parents are worried about this situation, but I'm afraid they could be affected. =(

Right now, the only thing I can do about it is to make good out of my university education. Sure as hell I should, since my parents never had that privilege. With that, I want to earn lots of money in future, and take my family on a fully paid holiday to the States. I want to pay for my brother's university education and buy my parents another house too if I can.

I really must do my best, be it in school or after that.

Anyway, I think this is a better time to start an investment or financial plan - a reason why I tried to work more during the summer holidays was to save up a decent sum of money (although much of it has been negated by many expenses) to start some sort of investment by the time the economy took a downturn. Problem is, I don't know who or what I should trust. I shall do some research and seek opinions first, but in the meanwhile, advice anyone?

of bangkok, excess baggage, and missed flights

Today was a good day.

The rainy whether made it nice for a good sleep, and I passed the day slow because I wasn't rushing to complete work or anything of that sort.

Then I when to meet the girls in the evening. I realised how much we've grown. Once we gosspied about who were the ones dating or who had maddened Mr Bernard the most over mee siam and curry noodles. Now we converse about who's heading to what university, and who to NS. 4 years ago, it would have been hard to imagine us like that. But here's where we are 4 years on, a little more mature, a little wiser, but still behaving like secondary school days.

After an hour or two of Bel's raving about how good and cheap Bangkok is, we were quite convinced that we should go on a trip to Bangkok next summer. I'm going to save like $1K for that (better to over budget huh). That translates into working a little more, and shopping, online shopping a little less over the next several months. Not a difficult thing to do although it's met by my reluctance. But if Bangkok materializes, which I really hope it does, it'll make for a pretty good holiday.

And the States too, hopefully we'll get to go there after graduation. I really miss LA, and Bel's raving about LA too, made me all the more tempted to visit the States again.

Pam, I haven't forgotten about you. Next summer, I go Bangkok first, check it out, so when I go Bangkok the second time (with you), I'll know how to guide us through the streets okay? =)

Less than a week to the start of Year 2 and I'm not excited about it, because that means the summer break will come to an end, and I had such an enjoyable summer and I don't want it to end.

It's ironic, that the most fulfilling part of my first year in SMU wasn't during the academic terms (with the exception of Patron's Day, Funkamania and Bailamos En La Calle).

I have so many beautiful moments of LA, Dance Garage and Oikos, joyous, trying and bittersweet ones. Here I stand, clenching them, but they slip through my fingers into the unreachable sepia-toned timelessness of the past.

There's nothing I can do about it besides occasionally recalling them through online photo albums and lively banter with those who shared these moments. Hopefully, we have more and even better times to look forward to.

For now, I let out a sigh of slight melancholy, and brace myself for the next several weeks to come.

Life goes on.

Watching Pasona's Mambo and Dance Garage videos make me less welcoming towards the school term, because when it starts in less than a month, I wouldn't go for trainings with a mind as carefree as I had during the summer break.

Dance is my solace, and I forget everything else when I'm in the studio. And I would like to continue to walk out of the studio without being reminded of the academic stress that awaits when I reach home.

This semester, I look forward to the upcoming dance events like Vivace, SISF and Bailamos. On the academic side however, I'm more worried than excited. In the first term of Year 1, I played too much, and I learnt my lesson. In the second term, I worked hard and tried to buck up, but was greatly disappointed.

Can someone tell me, what does it take to 'get it'? How do the people who do well, do it?

This semester, I fear that I'll be disappointed again. Nevertheless, if my efforts just weren't enough in the past, then I have no choice, but to try even harder to the best of my ability.

Hopefully, I'd have cultivated a stronger tenacity now.

Show Time

This morning, I wake up and I won't be heading to SoE CR 5.1 nor the ACC to dance.

I can't believe it's over so fast. I'm still pining for the stage.

This is not my first production, but how I feel about it is different. From Reverie II, to Bailamos En La Calle, to LA Salsa Congress, and then Dance Garage, I have different sentiments for each. But like the rest, it's hard to put them into words.

I can only say that I'm so proud of Eurhythmix, for sticking it out in the past 4 weeks, and finally pulling off a show that's entirely ours (our only guest performers were the break dancers, bikers and skater).

When I was on stage, I gave my all, the best I've given in a long while. I loved and savoured every moment of it. But the ultimate joy came off stage, when I saw the faces of friends and other audiences lit up, when I saw that they had been well entertained.

Ryan. He's our choreographer, and he's a very unique guy. He pushes us to our limits, yet makes it seem like it's not impossible. He says things like, "It isn't a lot of choreography, only 6 scenes what!", "Did I ask you to spin on your thumb? Did I ask you to do 36 pirouettes? See, your choreography isn't hard at all" and "If Wrecking Crew Orchestra (the group of mind-blowing Japanese dancers who performed at The Big Groove - go YouTube them) can do it, why can't you? They have 2 arms and 2 legs, you also have 2 arms and 2 legs." As ridiculous as it initially sounds, it still makes sense after all. He teaches and forces us to work as a team, he scolds us but expects us to be more determined instead of demoralised. He also jokes and laugh along with us. All the silly and funny acts were thought off by him as well.

For a 35 year old, he's a mighty dancer too. And he's got every bit of my respect.

For a few months now, I've contemplated quitting Eurhythmix to learn Latin Ballroom. But this is less likely now. I love the freedom for cheering, shouting, jumping around, freestyling and being in character that hip hop gives. I wouldn't get that in Latin Ballroom because it's very much about technique and control. The friends I've made makes it harder to leave as well. When I first joined, I thought people were cold and aloof, but Dance Garage has brought us together, and there's a lot of potential in E-Mix. And I want to continue learning under Ryan, not just dance, but the attitude and mindset he imparts. He said that how we are in the dance studio is similar to how we will be when we go out to work, and I think so too.

We might be going to Japan next year too!

That's not to say I've dismissed the option of learning Latin Ballroom. I was mesmerized by it at Stardust. I'll find a way somehow, someday.

I haven't said enough, but it's not like what I want to say can be expressed in words.

So I'll end here, and focus on Oikos and StarringSMU now. Hopefully I'll have time to upload pictures.

And as for those we weren't present at Dance Garage, I can only say you missed out big time. I don't write this out of bitterness or disappointment at your absence, but in all honesty and sincerity, along with utmost pride for the dancers.

Dear Levin,

I do not know you personally, still, you were one of us, freshmen like me who were at Convocation and sadly you won't get to see the next one. This tragedy has hit so close to home, and I'm shocked too.

People say, things happen for a reason. But to have the life of a young man brimming with so much vigor snuffed out abruptly is nothing more fathomable than an absurdity of fate. Wasn't it supposed to be just a harmless fall? It's as if when you fell into the sea, death's grip waited beneath the currents.

Wherever you are, may God bless your soul.

"dancers don't fall, they bounce"

The LA Salsa Congress was a big and star-studded eye opener. For the duration of the event (4 days), we stayed in the same hotel with some of the top latin dancers in the world, and at times got to interact with them as well. For 4 consecutive nights we social danced till the early morning and waking up near noon the next day. The dance floor was huge - a ballroom filled with people grooving to latin beats. I was initially intimidated, but the guys weren't difficult to dance with after all, albeit a touchy lot. I think it was there that my social dancing reached a peak. I realised many people weren't a level up there, but were just like us - out to learn, to improve, to appreciate and enjoy dancing.

It's not hard to see how much Singapore's artistic talent pool pales in comparison to the international acts. The performances were mind-blowing. The dancers executed perfect moves and spins, and most of the were freaking flexible, as if their limbs could bend and stretch without breaking. I felt honoured to be in the presence of so many great dancers, and deeply inspired by their passion for dancing, how they're so driven to promote it, and how they help each other out within the dance community.

Our item was to be performed on the afternoon of the 3rd day of the Congress. Training in a different environment turned out to be a small setback. We were breathless when we first rehearsed in LA due to the cold and dry air, but we did better the following day.

31st May was the day we've trained hard for. Being backstage and waiting for our turn was surreal. Our moment finally came, we were given the last slot of the afternoon show - apparently our rehearsal earlier in the morning was entertaining enough for the producer to give us that slot.

No matter how many times one has been on stage, each performance is still a first for that event and that moment, and the anxiety is fresh each time. This time, it was compunded by the presence of an unfamiliar crowd. We were in a foriegn land and didn't have the comfort of family and friends to encourage and cheer us on. We had come a long way, and we wanted to dance our best, like everyone else.

I hurt my ankle earlier in the morning, and was struggling to get used to the pain before we went on stage. It's strange that during the performance I felt no pain at all, probably because I was overwhelmed and too focused during those moments. So, several weeks after Bailamos En La Calle, we were on the Congress stage, dancing and cheering our hearts out. I felt it was our best dance yet.

We earned ourselves a standing ovation.

Shortly after, when we gathered backstage, we were asked to perform for the night show. Apparently, the better performers are given the night slots, damn were we elated to hear that!

I wasn't extremely surprised that we wow-ed the crowd, because I knew everyone really wanted to dance well, and I thought we would. But being asked to perform again was unbelievable. We're students who wanted to take their passion a little further by heading to LA, we may not have been strong or technically superb dancers, but we were sincere about putting up a good show, and I'm glad that our efforts were appreciated.

Up till the last night of the Congress, I still received compliments for our item. I'm really proud of the dancers!


So, going overseas to dance was something I never thought I would get to do, I only hope that we'll have something of this scale again in the next few years!

Hello world!

I'm back from lovely LA and am obviously jet lagged as I'm awake at such an hour.

LA was a great getaway from everything back in Singapore - work, school, the weather. It felt good to be truly carefree for those 10 days or so.

Knowing that after several weeks of toiling, you're finally on your way to do your stuff, and you see the endless stretch of city lights twinkling beneath your feet as you descend into LA, that's quite unbelievable you know? And even more so now that's it over.

I didn't have serious jet lag issues thankfully. But I've got a major sleep debt to clear because I haven't had a good 8 hours of sleep a night since a few days before LA.

Shopping there was cool, there were many dirt cheap bargains, relative to the prices of the same stuff found in Singapore. You'll see how much of a rip off Singapore's prices are. I regret not buying more. The groceries are cheaper too, and a wider variety, so much so that I brought back a hell lot of candies & junk food. Food wise, having standard western food everyday got me sick of it, with the exception of the occasional good restaurant food. The weather was always sunny, but chilly 'cause of the winds. Still, it was a refreshing change from Singapore's insane one.

I loved the themed parks too. Universal Studios was like a journey back into one's childhood, while Six Flags was literally a crazy roller coaster ride where we got excited queuing for the rides, only to regret doing so & think we were on the brink of death when we were finally sitted for the ride.

One thing I miss most is the lifestyle and culture there. It seemed slow paced and laid back. For once, I could stroll through the shopping malls and supermarkets, and not jostle my way through. Also, it's somehow so easy for the people there to be warm and friendly. They're easy going, helpful and cheerful. I experienced the best service there.

I don't wish to write anymore because it's hard to express in words - I'll post pictures instead when I've got them. LA Salsa Congress in the next entry because merging it here would prove too long an entry to read.

And I shall head back to bed now to try and sleep more.

those were the days my friend

Today made me wish I was a kid again.

I passed by TJC on bus 12 on my way to Parkway Parade. There facing the main gate hung a banner, announcing the occurence of Mardi Gras, on the 23rd May, next Friday evening. Mardi Gras is held once every 2 years, the last time it happened was back when I was in JC2. I remember how the dancers were reluctant to put an up item for Mardi Gras, because it was just one month before our concert and we were still rushing to work on that. Nevertheless, we still had fun that night. We pulled off a good performance, and we dressed up for the night after that. Besides our dance item, we had fire eaters brought in, our tutors doing an indian dance number, and a carnival. Then we were amused when we saw more tutors dressed as greek gods & egyptian princesses.

Things like that, and Chinese New Year carnival, and Teachers' Day, that I miss. Not forgetting our dance concert too, how we toiled tirelessly in those few months, and crying tears of bittersweet relief at the end of it all.

How I would love to don that dirty green uniform and collar badge again.
And I would sing the TJ anthem and shout the TJ cheer, and other orientation cheers proudly.
How I would love to sit in lectures or tutorials and scrawl on other people's notes, and skip over to the hawker centre opposite for char kway tiao or fish soap for lunch.
How I would love to jog along Bedok South road and Lucky Estate during PE, and sprint to the canteen for mango orange juice and breakfast set (with fries and LOTS of mushroom sauce!) after that.
How I would love to poke fun at the basketball / soccer / volleyball guys with the classmates.
How I would love to stroll into the hall or dance studio, and see other dancers sprawled on the floor catching a nap.

I get to dye my hair and dress in my own choice of clothes. That means I don't get a kick out of spraying my hair black and unbuckling and pulling down my skirt to avoid getting caught during spot checks anymore. 'A' Levels were stressful, but we didn't have to worry about class participation or irresponsible project mates every single semester, just the practice papers and final exams.

I guess you wouldn't truly appreciate what you had until it's over.

Moving on to after TJC was dinner with the girls at Aston's. That was one of the rare times I laughed hard. It's impossible not to when you see very retarded antics.

And you girls caused me to draw weird glances, as I grinned to myself when I recalled the heartwarming evening on the train ride home.

Through the seemingly positive MSN conversations you put up and the smiles you fake, they still sense that you're not all that okay.


Somehow, they've unknowingly made your day better.

Dear God,


Please make this week a better week, because I've had more than enough disappointments in such a short span of time to make me sick in the gut.


Thank You.

I love to learn.

But 15 weeks a semester barely gives me enough time to skim through the content

Much less to internalize and question.

It frustrates me sometimes.

Blog worthy:

Me: "Why isn't Mas Selamat captured yet? What if he comes to SMU?"

Friend: "SMU won't let him in, his results are not good enough."

"It's funny how we set qualifications for the person to love, when at the back of our minds we know that the one we'll truly love will always be an exception."

"A bell is not a bell
until someone rings it,
a song is not a song
until someone sings it.

Love wasn't put
in the heart to stay,
for love isn't love
'til you give it away."

Funkamania self-training + Funkamania training with Ryan + Patron's Day training + hungry E-mixers gobbling down food & feeling very full after = post-dinner nua-ness

2007 wasn't exactly a great year to begin with. There were months of wasted effort and time, interests that I forgo pursuing, in the name on what I thought was love. I had my trust betrayed and heart shattered. I walked out with much bitterness and regret.

In spite of that, life has never been richer. I learnt what it's like to be strong for myself and more importantly, my loved ones. I've deepened my appreciation for friends and family. I've become wiser. I started life afresh at university. I made new friends, learnt a new thing or two, and brought dancing a level up for myself. I've discovered so much more beyond a broken heart, and I'm making use of that. Dance trainings, clubbing, going out with friends may have left me with little respite, but I'm totally loving it. I guess having been through such an adversity made me treasure my life and freedom a little more.

For the coming year, I resolve not to look back anymore. Other than that, I want to be pushed harder than before. Once in a while, we need to be pushed to, or even beyond our limits - where's the thrill in life if it isn't so? And I'm hoping it's this year, and the next few years of my school life.

2008 here I come.